The frog and the scorpion

It is the strangest thing. Freedom and no choice – sometimes they go hand in hand. My enemy stormed in my cube one day and instead of berating me, asked for my help with something. This was an area where he himself was under siege. I was under absolutely no illusion that if I helped him, he would suddenly become an ally. In fact, I knew that not only would he not acknowledge the help, he would turn it around to possibly hurt me.
But there was no choice. And complete freedom. All my life, I have yearned for big truths. Something that will come and shake the foundations of my life. Something that will lead me to give up my corporate career and join a worthy cause. Or equally, something that will convince me that I need to forget about all this spiritual nonsense and become an unabashed hedonist. Buy that condo on the beach for starters. But there are smaller, simpler truths moment by moment. And the truth of that moment was that I need to help him. And I noticed freedom around that thought. And I noticed that I had no choice but to follow through. It took me a while to reconcile that dichotomy but I think the answer is the question ‘Freedom from what?’
More often than not, freedom is taken as the freedom to do what we want. Like the freedom to pursue your happiness. Freedom and pursuit, in my experience rarely go together. The freedom comes with peace in my experience, is the freedom from the tyranny of the self. I think that is what that moment was about. For a moment, my self opened up for me to recognize the truth of the moment and there was no choice but to honor that recognition. And I also know from my own mistakes that it is an error to always equate that kind of truth with doing goo d or doing the right thing. The truth of that moment could very well have been to politely decline and tell him I was overloaded myself, which I was. The truth of the moment could have been an honest ‘ No. I am not ready for this.’
But in this case, the truth of the moment was to find time to help my enemy, despite being overworked myself.
The second guessing and the internal chatter came later. Voices, that beat me up for being so naïve. Voices, that said ‘See I told you’ when the enemy shamelessly portrayed my help to mean that it was something I should have done in the first place, so it was not help as much as a task overdue.
But still, the glimpse of that moment of truth was enough. I gave my word and followed through. A month later, on his own, he acknowledged that to his team. In truth, I did not even need that acknowledgement. And with that comes freedom. And a little peace.

The Chariot

I had a glimpse of what small countries go through when they border bigger and more powerful countries.

A few weeks ago, I logged on to my project's collaboration website and found that items which were on my plate had been usurped by my enemy. I sat and reflected on what this would entail. And I saw the strategy clearly. I would still be doing the work on those items but since my enemy had those items on his plate, he would have the right to boss me around on these issues and establish his superiority. And plus he could have assign some of those tasks to someone else and slowly make me redundant on the project.

I reflected on whether I should follow my natural instincts and just do my work and ignore his encroachment and trust that people would notice and acknowledge my work. I abhor territorialism of any sort and if I want my actions to move in the direction of peace and non-violence, how could I fight this? By God, if I wanted a problem in Karma Yoga, I could not conjured up a better one. It was almost eerie. And I had no charioteer to guide me. Plus there was no question of me laying down my arms and refusing to fight – I never had arms to start with.

But staying silent and giving in to this territorial infringement did not feel right. The gnawing voice inside me would not let go and kept saying ‘Cowardice is not non-violence.’ I had come in early to work and there was no one around, so I had the luxury of being able to just sit quietly and contemplate.

My predicament was made worse by the fact that since my enemy is perceived to be much more important to the project than I am, I did not have any expectation of support from my manager. And I would even understand if he did not support me.

At some point, some clarity emerged and I wrote my manager an email, quietly stating my case. Instead of claiming my right to the items that had been usurped, I expressed my interest in owning them and being responsible for them.

To my great surprise, I received a prompt email from my manager saying he agreed and that he would fix the problem.

Later that day, my enemy rushed into my office, demanded I follow him to his and expressed how glad he was that I had taken those items off his plate and he was overburdened as it were and so on and so forth. His body language and tone of voice indicated anything but pleasure at being relieved of his tasks, but I listened and quietly explained to him that I was given to understand all along that I would be accountable for the tasks in questions and so no reason for a change.

Looking back, what might have swayed my manager to rule in my favor was that I focused on my responsibilities and not my rights. By doing so, I made my case without making it into a confrontation. But I am also aware that my manager could have easily just ignored the issue. But I would still have the satisfaction of knowing that I worked hard at ferreting out the truth of the issue and communicated that in a sane and rational manner without throwing a fit about territorial encroachment and sovereignty.

Back to basics

The other day at a work related party, a colleague came and advised, “Do me a favor. Watch your back.” I had a clue as to what he was talking about. I know one of my colleagues has it in for me and that is putting it rather mildly. I confirmed my suspicion as to who my colleague was referring to but as tempted as I was to inquire more about why he was making that particular statement, I knew it was a slippery slope and could lead to horse-trading and exchanging of favors and other such political complications. And I have no stomach for that.

“Look all I am trying to do is what is good for the project,” I said wearily.
My colleague who until recently was one of those who was gunning me down himself, said “Yeah you just want the job done, right?”
I nodded sadly and added , “Why can’t he just leave me alone?” referring to my antagonistic colleague.
“I got your back buddy,” assured my colleague at the party and I nodded gratefully.

And I thought about this later. Was I wise not to prod my colleague more about what he was talking about or was it just cowardly evasion? I was grateful when he said he would watch my back but I am not willing to do that myself. Am I too attached to being ‘noble’ or acting ‘noble’?

Truth is that confronting this antagonistic colleague does terrify me a little. For this is an adversary unlike any I have faced in the past in terms of unscrupulousness and persistence in back-stabbing. I do not know how to counter him without dragged down to his level of accusation and counter-accusation. I am afraid as to what he will stoop to if I point out his destructive behavior openly. There is a saying in India which goes something like “Never pick a fight with a thug because for a thug, fighting is a full time job.” It is the prospect of being on my guard 24*7 against this guy that terrifies me. I have been in situations like that and I know what it is like, endless worrying about what he may or may not do. Sleepless nights. Higher stress during the day. A feeling I have lost my soul. That is what I am terrified of.

Everything in me, is telling me to just keep playing it straight and trust that my manager and others will know enough to discount the back-biting.
And yet, there is another aspect to this dilemma. “Love thy enemies? How?” Treat obstacles as the dragon guarding the treasure. Nice idea. How the fuck do I translate it into reality here? Can I just be my open and trusting self and let this guy exploit that? Do I turn the other cheek when he twists things that I say, to my disadvantage? Do I ignore all the lies and back-biting he habitually indulges in?
‘.. being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,’ says Kipling in his beautiful poem ‘If’ which I have hanging on my cubicle wall. The first I can do. The second is a bit more difficult because I have such an aversion to this guy and everything he stands for. And there lies my own challenge.

I have to get past my own internal reaction to this guy. As evil as I am making out this guy to be, hating him is not the answer. I am not up to the challenge of loving those who hate me, but I should be able to get past my own hatred and strong aversion. Here is where Buddhism 101 can help. If I don’t have an independently existing self, then neither does he. So what is there for me to hate? Sadness that complex conditions can produce a personality like this, yes. But hatred? No need of that. And it is definitely not satisfying for me to interact with someone – anyone with this shield of opinions around me and having it color all my perceptions. But how do I prevent myself from being an open naïve fool? That is the challenge? Can I be totally present in my interactions with him? Present so that I am aware of my reactions to his aggressive and even offensive body language and tone of voice? Present so that I have equanimity with my reactions to him and so that I don’t project them out. Present so that I allow for him to be something other than what I see him as? Present so that I am aware of his possible hidden agendas at the same time. Present so that I stay focused on the good of the project and keep offering my unconditional co-operation to that goal. Present so that I don’t get ambushed by need for recognition and external validation and keep doing my job to the best of my abilities. Present so that I can counter his falsehoods calmly and assertively.

My enemy is my zen master creeping up behind me with a stick at the slightest sign of drowsiness or muddled thinking. That is going to be my attitude for the next month, so help me God.

A tale of two meetings

The more I live, the more I am realizing the importance of space. Space between thoughts and actions. Space which has room for possibilities despite being crowded with opinions. Space which makes choice possible. Space that allows me to respond instead of having a knee-jerk reaction. The list goes on and on.

Someone opposes what I am trying to do and I want to brush him aside out of fear that my assignment may not get done otherwise. If I have the internal space in the moment, then I can choose to flow around the obstacle instead of trying to overcome it. Or maybe I realize that flowing around is not working and I need to confront the issue. Space is what allows me to have the confrontation with the right amount of force and without making it into a ‘me against him/her’ issue. Space is what lets me win a point without making the other into a loser. Space is what lets me concede a point and change my stance without feeling like a loser.

And sometimes, holding a free and open internal space, or presence if you will, can result in a transformation of the environment around you. The environment around me, and I suspect for most if not all people, is mind-blowingly complex and full of divisive groups at odds with each other and competing with each other fairly as well as unfairly. And even within a group, often people have their own agendas that run counter to the goals of the group. No surprise here. This is a fractal pattern that repeats almost at every level of society.

But if I hold an internal space that does not project this and allows people to come together towards a common objective, I find that sometimes it results in almost magical co-operation. Where meditation comes into this equation is that it allows you to open up to all your opinions, pre-conceived notions, irritations and reactions on the cushion and have equanimity with this so that when they surface in the middle of a meeting or any work-interaction, they have a lessened chance of making you react blindly. In the words of my primary meditation teacher, Shinzen Young, ‘Equanimity is defined as not interfering with the flow of the senses at any level, including the level of preconscious processing.’

I find that I can let my opinions about people come up and because I have space around it (or equanimity about it), I don’t project it out. That sometime allows the other person to act differently. Or maybe it allows me to notice that the person does not always match my opinion. As an example if I think someone is always focused only on his area and does not understand the collaboration needed to come up with a common solution to a problem and I am comfortable internally with that someone being that way and don’t tense up when that someone is about to speak, I am sometimes surprised to find that person more amenable and co-operative.

But not always. And to my chagrin, I have found time and again that I cannot use this as a formula. And that is the way it should be. If I am interested in holding that space because it will result in a particular outcome, then I am not being open – I am just being manipulative and that attempt itself compromises that free and open space. And sometimes, even if I am in that beautiful space, things can go very wrong. A month ago, I was chairing an important meeting involving my teammates as well as the client and one of my teammates was very antagonistic and disruptive and my attempts to gently direct the meeting were totally ineffective. After the meeting, I was uniformly lambasted for my inability to run the meeting effectively. That caused a crisis of faith.

Not faith in the conventional sense. Faith more in Karma Yoga, for the want of a better word. I was in a very good space during the meeting. I did not react to anything around me. I was allowing and still driving towards consensus. I wasn’t unduly perturbed that the meeting resulted in chaos. Isn’t that what Karma Yoga is about? Do your duty and don’t be attached to the outcome? But in retrospect, in that beautiful space where no one can do anything wrong and everything is alright, I had failed to realize that part of my ‘duty’ is also to present a good image of my company to the client and I failed to realize that the internal disagreements that were being voiced in the meeting were undermining the client’s faith in my company.

Shinzen Young often talks about awareness and equanimity have to go hand in hand and in my experience keeping them balanced is like walking the proverbial razor’s edge. Often I find my awareness exceeds my equanimity and as a result I am more stressed than I need to be. On this occasion however, I was so blissed out by equanimity that I failed to be aware of how the client was reacting to the meeting.

And I learnt from that. In subsequent meetings, despite being in an open and accepting space, I was alert for any disagreements that would cause the client concern about my company’s ability to come up with an uniform solution and learnt to detect and direct those topics to internal meetings instead. On a couple of occasions, when my colleagues were not taking my cue, I had to be firm with them and cut-off further conversation on the topic. And I learnt to take the trouble to build internal consensus before going up in front of the client.

And yesterday, I had one of those internal meetings pulling together three different groups. I was again in a good open and accepting internal space, thanks partly to my meditation the previous evening, and I was also present and focused on the agenda and the goals and I was amazed that the meeting went without a hitch and we were able to reach consensus on a few issues despite prior resistance. It was magical. And I almost fell out of my chair in surprise, when in the management meeting today, one of the managers I had always perceived as self-serving and un-cooperative went out of his way to commend me on the previous day’s meeting. But if I expect that to happen in the next meeting, then I am back to my tendency (and it is a universal tendency) of coming up with lazy formulas and go to sleep at the wheel.

As Dickens would have said, ‘It was the worst of meetings; it was the best of meetings.’
And it is the story of my work life.

Of bricks and walls

This is an old article that I never posted. Something made me remember it, so here it is:

Of bricks and walls
Last week I had a meeting with my manager. I was dissatisfied with the way my job assignments were turning out. My manager and the Team Lead were promoting a team member at my expense and in the process I was getting marginalized and constantly having to assert myself – something that doesn’t come easily to me. After weeks of stuffing my feelings, I decided to discuss it with him. News of my displeasure had reached my manager and he seemed to know what I was going to talk about.

The moment I opened the topic, my manager launched an attack on me pointing out what I could have done to prevent the situation. I realized he had some misconceptions about what was bothering me and I clarified. He softened somewhat but was still on the defensive. I clarified that I wasn’t blaming him or the team lead and I realized that the situation evolved in the way it did due to a variety of complex reasons but the bottom line was that it wasn’t fair to me. The manager was obviously biased since I was taking on one of his favorites who he had personally brought into the company and refused to see my point of view.

I left the meeting very disappointed and about to start the process of looking for a new job. But after venting my frustration with a sympathetic colleague, some objectivity returned. I remembered all the times my manager had stood by me and gone out of his way to support me and just because he was playing favorites now, I could not dismiss all the good things he had done for me and in all probability would continue to do for me.

As far as leaving the job as concerned, I sat back and realized that there were plenty of plus points still. Despite support from my manager and Team Lead, I had made my presence felt and was confident would be able to get reasonably satisfying assignments if not the best assignments. And given that I did not care to promote myself and suck-up to the bosses, no matter where I went, I would face the same situation where I would find some prima donna throwing his/her weight around. The choice is, and will be, between constantly competing with such people (and it is constant, for each interaction involves some power play) and playing the political game or staying out of such games and maintaining my integrity and peace-of-mind even if it means getting shortchanged.

Last weekend, I was reading a book by Ajahn Brahm intriguingly called 'Who ordered this truckload of dung?' where he talks about how he did not like a wall he built because of two bricks that were misaligned and someone pointed out the ninety-eight other bricks that were just fine. And I was reminded of this incident. So often in our jobs and relationships, we focus on the couple of things that are ‘wrong’ and discount the ninety-eight other things that are just fine. Remembering this hopefully will prevent us from needlessly running from job to job and relationship to relationship.

On assumptions and jerks

Ahh assumptions! We all have read countless times about it making ‘ass of you and me’. Yes, we know the perils of assuming and reacting prematurely. Yet this is a lesson I have to keep learning again and again. And I suspect I am not alone in this. But why is that? Because, I suspect that nine times out of ten or maybe eight times out of ten, the assumptions are valid and they serve to protect us.
If someone has had a history of being rude and aggressive, does it make sense to go into all interactions with this person with a completely open attitude and leaving myself completely vulnerable? And I have certainly done my share of this in the spirit of being ‘open’ and even ‘spiritual’. I had this fancy ideal that I should leave myself completely open and be able to respond in the moment when confronted with repeated rude behavior. Maybe if I was meditating four hours a day, this would be possible. But in the absence of that luxury and in the middle of having to juggle multiple tasks and demands at work, one is faced with the prospect of either stuffing one’s feelings or reacting more strongly than one would like. And the fact that the person I am talking about is a manager at my client project and has some ‘authority’ over me, does not make it any easier.
At the other end of the spectrum would be the tendency to go into all interactions with this person with an ultra-defensive stance and assuming the worst in that person. This, even if it serves to protect us, is hardly satisfactorily because it involves so much of loss of freedom. To have one’s stance so determined by someone else runs totally contrary to my love of freedom. The Buddha is reported to have said ‘Just like the waters of all the oceans have but one taste, the taste of salt; all true teachings have but one taste, the taste of freedom’. And besides the loss of freedom, it is not satisfactory to pigeonhole people as ‘jerks’ and divide the world into ‘jerks’ and ‘non-jerks’. It is kind of dualistic in an absolute way, no? It causes a severe cognitive dissonance with the idea(and in my case, a hope) that everything and everyone is a manifestation of one reality, Buddha-nature, God or whatever term you prefer.
So, how do I hold all of this? His tendency to be a jerk; my tendency to be hurt and either close up or react to his behavior; my spiritual quest and the bruising of my spiritual ego(what an oxymoron) when I react to him. Yet there is something beautiful trying to muddle through this very ordinary situation. And I don’t even think it is personal. I can’t help but think of this as an impersonal evolutionary impulse that realizes that if ordinary, day-to-day interactions cannot be sorted out at the micro level, there is no chance in hell of peace of earth! And in some moments, compassion emerges; compassion for myself, for having to deal with such people on a day-in and day-out basis; compassion for others(and it is obvious that hardly anyone is exempt from this) in similar situations. And compassion for the ‘jerk’ because it can hardly be pleasant to have to be so aggressive and abrasive and I am sure it involves a lot of suffering on his part. And out of that place of compassion, often the right response emerges. I remember how once after butting heads on an issue, I complimented him on his incisive logic and ability to get to the heart of an issue and he beamed like a four year old. I followed it up by saying that my job responsibilities required me to be creative as well as analytical and misunderstandings could result if he interpreted my floating of an idea, to be recommending an action and held it up to his analytical scrutiny. And he said he was cool with that and I should just let him know.
But it is hard to always preface one’s ideas with so much of preamble. People have advised me that I should be thick-skinned and learn to brush off his behavior. Problem is though, that feels like wearing a clunky armor and I don’t know how much of life I would be shutting off by being thick-skinned.
So, where am I now with this issue? Just being watchful; a little bit on my guard; a little bit open to the moment; open to the possibility of him being co-operative instead of adversarial, this one time; careful to see where he might be coming from and discounting some of his behavior as “that’s just his nature”.
There was a time when I was very careful with every email I wrote to him because of the fear that he would jump on something in my email. Now, even though I try to be a little cautious, I have decided not to be overly cautious and write like I would to any one else in the workplace.
The other challenge is to overcome the tendency to leave him out of certain interactions, correspondence and meetings. But that again is like running away from him and involves a certain loss of freedom on my part. So, the practice is now to treat him just like I would treat another manager and include him wherever I feel he should be included due to his designation.
So, there is no dearth of opportunities to practice and I continue to make feeble attempts at treating my work life and my family life as a monastery – a place to practice and learn.
Finally, on this topic, here is a link to one of my favorite Kabir Dohas(couplets).

The mustard seed

Not for the first time(and unfortunately not for the last time), I wanted an assignment at work and lost it to a competitive ‘teammate’. The assignment should have been rightfully mine but I wasn’t savvy enough to establish my territory before my ‘teammate’ came on board. As I stayed open to my disappointment and feelings of loss, something amazing happened. Rather than feel desire is something I must transcend, I felt the poignancy of desire and the inevitability of disappointment. I felt connected to everyone. To all those who have wanted something and lost, I know how you feel. It is one thing to read about these things; another to think these thoughts; but entirely different and infinitely richer to feel it. I was sitting at my hairdresser's, after days of inner anguish over this matter, listening to someone talk about how he saw a good deal on a car and sent his wife over to get it and hoped she got it. I hoped too. Another hoped his Dad would give up smoking. I hoped too. Previously, I would have perhaps failed to be empathize with people wanting cars for instance since I did not want ‘material’ things. But having embarked on a journey of self-expression at work where it is OK to go and want something, I am learning and re-learning that the object of the want is immaterial. There is something poignant and universal in the wanting itself. And someday even if by some miracle, the adult in me ends up ‘transcending’ its wants, the child in me will continue wanting and continue getting disappointed, and peace comes from hugging and consoling a crying child and not by preaching sermons to it.
In the meanwhile, I am reminded about something I read about life being an advanced degree in loss. This is not very cheerful. But it is a fact. And a universal fact. And for me alleviation of suffering comes not from transcending it but realizing the universality of hope and disappointment over and over again. And that is where the mustard seed comes in.