On assumptions and jerks

Ahh assumptions! We all have read countless times about it making ‘ass of you and me’. Yes, we know the perils of assuming and reacting prematurely. Yet this is a lesson I have to keep learning again and again. And I suspect I am not alone in this. But why is that? Because, I suspect that nine times out of ten or maybe eight times out of ten, the assumptions are valid and they serve to protect us.
If someone has had a history of being rude and aggressive, does it make sense to go into all interactions with this person with a completely open attitude and leaving myself completely vulnerable? And I have certainly done my share of this in the spirit of being ‘open’ and even ‘spiritual’. I had this fancy ideal that I should leave myself completely open and be able to respond in the moment when confronted with repeated rude behavior. Maybe if I was meditating four hours a day, this would be possible. But in the absence of that luxury and in the middle of having to juggle multiple tasks and demands at work, one is faced with the prospect of either stuffing one’s feelings or reacting more strongly than one would like. And the fact that the person I am talking about is a manager at my client project and has some ‘authority’ over me, does not make it any easier.
At the other end of the spectrum would be the tendency to go into all interactions with this person with an ultra-defensive stance and assuming the worst in that person. This, even if it serves to protect us, is hardly satisfactorily because it involves so much of loss of freedom. To have one’s stance so determined by someone else runs totally contrary to my love of freedom. The Buddha is reported to have said ‘Just like the waters of all the oceans have but one taste, the taste of salt; all true teachings have but one taste, the taste of freedom’. And besides the loss of freedom, it is not satisfactory to pigeonhole people as ‘jerks’ and divide the world into ‘jerks’ and ‘non-jerks’. It is kind of dualistic in an absolute way, no? It causes a severe cognitive dissonance with the idea(and in my case, a hope) that everything and everyone is a manifestation of one reality, Buddha-nature, God or whatever term you prefer.
So, how do I hold all of this? His tendency to be a jerk; my tendency to be hurt and either close up or react to his behavior; my spiritual quest and the bruising of my spiritual ego(what an oxymoron) when I react to him. Yet there is something beautiful trying to muddle through this very ordinary situation. And I don’t even think it is personal. I can’t help but think of this as an impersonal evolutionary impulse that realizes that if ordinary, day-to-day interactions cannot be sorted out at the micro level, there is no chance in hell of peace of earth! And in some moments, compassion emerges; compassion for myself, for having to deal with such people on a day-in and day-out basis; compassion for others(and it is obvious that hardly anyone is exempt from this) in similar situations. And compassion for the ‘jerk’ because it can hardly be pleasant to have to be so aggressive and abrasive and I am sure it involves a lot of suffering on his part. And out of that place of compassion, often the right response emerges. I remember how once after butting heads on an issue, I complimented him on his incisive logic and ability to get to the heart of an issue and he beamed like a four year old. I followed it up by saying that my job responsibilities required me to be creative as well as analytical and misunderstandings could result if he interpreted my floating of an idea, to be recommending an action and held it up to his analytical scrutiny. And he said he was cool with that and I should just let him know.
But it is hard to always preface one’s ideas with so much of preamble. People have advised me that I should be thick-skinned and learn to brush off his behavior. Problem is though, that feels like wearing a clunky armor and I don’t know how much of life I would be shutting off by being thick-skinned.
So, where am I now with this issue? Just being watchful; a little bit on my guard; a little bit open to the moment; open to the possibility of him being co-operative instead of adversarial, this one time; careful to see where he might be coming from and discounting some of his behavior as “that’s just his nature”.
There was a time when I was very careful with every email I wrote to him because of the fear that he would jump on something in my email. Now, even though I try to be a little cautious, I have decided not to be overly cautious and write like I would to any one else in the workplace.
The other challenge is to overcome the tendency to leave him out of certain interactions, correspondence and meetings. But that again is like running away from him and involves a certain loss of freedom on my part. So, the practice is now to treat him just like I would treat another manager and include him wherever I feel he should be included due to his designation.
So, there is no dearth of opportunities to practice and I continue to make feeble attempts at treating my work life and my family life as a monastery – a place to practice and learn.
Finally, on this topic, here is a link to one of my favorite Kabir Dohas(couplets).

The mustard seed

Not for the first time(and unfortunately not for the last time), I wanted an assignment at work and lost it to a competitive ‘teammate’. The assignment should have been rightfully mine but I wasn’t savvy enough to establish my territory before my ‘teammate’ came on board. As I stayed open to my disappointment and feelings of loss, something amazing happened. Rather than feel desire is something I must transcend, I felt the poignancy of desire and the inevitability of disappointment. I felt connected to everyone. To all those who have wanted something and lost, I know how you feel. It is one thing to read about these things; another to think these thoughts; but entirely different and infinitely richer to feel it. I was sitting at my hairdresser's, after days of inner anguish over this matter, listening to someone talk about how he saw a good deal on a car and sent his wife over to get it and hoped she got it. I hoped too. Another hoped his Dad would give up smoking. I hoped too. Previously, I would have perhaps failed to be empathize with people wanting cars for instance since I did not want ‘material’ things. But having embarked on a journey of self-expression at work where it is OK to go and want something, I am learning and re-learning that the object of the want is immaterial. There is something poignant and universal in the wanting itself. And someday even if by some miracle, the adult in me ends up ‘transcending’ its wants, the child in me will continue wanting and continue getting disappointed, and peace comes from hugging and consoling a crying child and not by preaching sermons to it.
In the meanwhile, I am reminded about something I read about life being an advanced degree in loss. This is not very cheerful. But it is a fact. And a universal fact. And for me alleviation of suffering comes not from transcending it but realizing the universality of hope and disappointment over and over again. And that is where the mustard seed comes in.

Focusing Away from myself

I am terrified of speaking in public. That includes small groups as well as large groups. That includes speaking in front of strangers as well as speaking in front of people I know. Today, I was at an All Day meeting at work(yuck) and towards the end, I was unexpectedly asked to make a presentation with about ten minutes notice. I am starting a new assignment and everyone who is important to the assignment was in the audience. In the ten minutes I had, my mind was going berserk – oh my god these are all my peers and managers – some of them are actually competent – some of them are very tough and eager to pounce on me - I am starting a new assignment and if I muck up this presentation, I would have started with a very bad impression. I could even be taken off the project if I made an ass of myself. I would be humiliated if that happened. I might even lose my job.

I was in touch with the physical sensations caused by the fear and anxiety and tried my level best to just them let them be and not try to suppress them. It is my experience that suppressing these sensations takes away the energy I need to do a good job as well as cause me to appear tense. There have been occasions though when my attempt to open up to these uncomfortable feelings has caused them to spiral out of control causing me to freeze up and be totally incoherent. Talk about embarrassment! If there is one thing I have learnt over and over while bumbling along this spiritual path, it is that while it is great to learn, the moment I try to make a formula out of that learning, I have set myself up for a fall :)

So coming back to the present, I looked at all the terrifying people in the room. And the thought arose – “I am going to be taking their time. Why don’t I focus on making good use of their time rather than focusing on whether I do a good job of presenting or not”.
And I look again at all the people and especially the tough taskmasters who would tear me apart if I said something indefensible. And the thought arises “All of them are going to die someday. And so am I. Let me make good use of their time and serve their interests”. For some strange reason, that thought seemed to help calm me down and take the focus away from my performance anxiety. I still haven’t understood this completely, but have learnt to instinctively look upon thoughts of worthlessness or severe self-doubt as the workings of the ego.

Anyway, when it was my turn to speak, I forgot about my fears and anxieties and immersed myself completely in the topic I was presenting. I was not invested in being right or having people agree with me, so I welcomed dissenting opinions. At the end, I actually received compliments on a good presentation and the competence I displayed on the subject matter. And now no one is going to believe me if I tell them I am terrified of speaking in public :)

Inshallah

A month or so ago (and I still haven’t recovered from it), I was given an assignment that was akin to walking through a landmine. Ofcourse, I did not want it but I was the chosen one and I was also not savvy enough to get out of it. I knew it was a no-win situation but I vowed to do my best and call it the way I saw it rather than worry about how to come out with the least amount of damage. I had good intentions, I worked long hours with single minded dedication, sought input from everyone but in the end still managed to get my ass blown up! And what is worse, I was accused of the very thing I was took pains to avoid – compromising my integrity! Yet in retrospect, I did realize I was subtly influenced by someone with a vested interest, which was something else to kick myself about.

A week later I was given another assignment that I did not want but I put no effort into preparing for it, broke every rule in the book and sailed through with honors and won praise from people who are not typically generous with praise.

I have been noticing the all too human tendency to beat up on myself for the first incident and pat myself on the back for the second incident. A friend of mine accuses me of coming up with hallmark card-like phrases, but I think it is more from my love of mathematical equations reinforced by my primary teacher, Shinzen Young. So, here is one derived from something I read somewhere: ‘The extent to which you will kick yourself for failures is proportional to the extent to which you feel proud of your successes’. Wish, like Emerson, I could say ‘One to me are shame and fame’!

The other interesting aspect, that I cannot help but be amused about these two incidents, is that the outcome had no co-relation to the effort. The intention in both cases though was good. So, call it karma or call it ‘let thy will be done’ or Inshallah. (What are all these religions fighting about anyway?). Anyway, here is a poem by Rumi(stolen from Coleman Barks’ Soul of Rumi) on this topic:

Inshallah

Some people work and become wealthy. Others do the same and
remain poor. Marriage
fills one with energy. Another it drains. Don’t trust ways.
They change. A means
flails about like a donkey’s tail. Always, add the gratitude
clause, if God wills. Then
proceed. You may be leading a donkey, no, a goat, no, who can
tell? We sit in a dark pit
and think we are home. We pass around delicacies. Poisoned
bait. You think this
is preachy double-talk? Those who do not breathe the God
willing phrase live in a
collective blindness. Rubbing their eyes in the dark,
they ask, “Who’s there?”

Spiritual Ego and the dhammapada

When I started writing this blog, I had no idea I would be documenting so many humbling experiences. Even after falling in so many traps, making progress and nullifying it by taking retro-steps, I still naively expect the spiritual journey to be a straight-line progression. My spiritual ego(isn’t that the mother of all oxymorons?) is bruised.

And yet in retrospect it is all so obvious what happened and what the skillful action would have been. On Friday morning, one of my colleagues with whom I am working on an assignment made a hurtful comment and I was too engrossed in the work to be able to respond to her skillfully and I chose to stuff the feelings. In fact I was about to express some anger when miraculously an email flashed on my cell phone with a quotation from the dhammapada and that is exactly what I needed! Here is the quotation:
"Look how he abused me and beat me,
How he threw me down and robbed me."
Live with such thoughts and you live in hate.
"Look how he abused me and beat me,
How he threw me down and robbed me."
Abandon such thoughts and live in love.
In this world
Hate never yet dispelled hate.
Only love dispels hate.
That is the law,
Ancient and inexhaustible.
You too shall pass away.
Knowing this, how can you quarrel?

And I said “Wow – just in time!”. But I still had to suppress my anger and resentment because I did not have the luxury of going somewhere and meditating and processing the feelings. It was a very busy day with multiple assignments and rushing from one place to another.

Towards the evening, I get an irritating email from a team-leader and that proved to be the last straw. This particular team lead is not technically knowledgeable and still micro-managing me needlessly and this had been going on for a while and there was some build-up over time. The email that I received from her on Friday before she left for her vacation was interpreted by me as an affront to my professional capabilities. Common sense was telling me that I should go home and meditate on it before I did anything rash but I wanted to respond to it before she went away on vacation. What had particularly incensed me was when she replied to my email, she had copied in another team lead. So I shot her an email that I did not need things spelled out and I was interpreting it as a lack of professional respect and I copied in my manager. It was not a rash email although it was strongly worded. She replied apologizing and clarified that she did not intend any disrespect. I replied saying I never felt she intended it, I was just expressing how I was perceiving it and the fact that it was upsetting me.

And then I get a phone call from her. And she wants to know why I hadn’t picked up the phone and called her instead of shooting off emails. Good point. I counter that she could have done the same. She says “Good point – I did not have time – I was just clearing my mailbox before I left on vacation”. And then she wants to know why I escalated the issue by copying in my manager. And I tell her that I did not like her action of including the other team lead in her reply and I wanted my manager to know my displeasure with the whole issue. And she clarifies that when she included the other team lead in her reply it wasn’t so that he could follow up on my tasks as I had assumed(and gotten incensed about) but she was letting him know about the task she was putting on my plate so that he would not overload me with his own tasks!

The reason for recounting this whole story is that I could see how things spiral out of control by a series of misunderstandings. By extrapolating to the macroscopic scale, you can see how conflicts start and escalate into wars. It underscores for me that peace on the macroscopic scale is just not possible without peace at the microscopic level. Reminds me of a Kabir poem that talks about seeing the evil in oneself before seeing it others.

After a few meditation sessions over the weekend, it finally dawns on me that the team-lead was right. I should have picked up the phone and talked with her. That would have been the skillful way. I had tried to hint my displeasure over this issue for a while by withdrawing and being aloof(how often do we do that in relationships!) but she had not linked it to this issue. I had even mentioned that there were some fundamental differences between us on this issue and she had not bothered(in actuality, she probably did not have the time) to talk with me about it. And I was reasonably sure that if I talked with her, I would get some disingenuous management-speak. Still, the skillful way of handling the situation would have been to talk with her and give peaceful resolution a chance. I have a feeling I indulged my righteousness on this issue and there will be karmic consequences of the scars left from this issue. I was also perhaps overcompensating a little to address the perception that Indians are not assertive. This is curious – I don’t go about carrying an Indian identity but still react if people keep pigeon-holing me as an Indian.

Another thing I re-discovered for the umpteenth time is that tolerating boundary violations by conforming to some spiritual ideal of egolessness is not skillful. It was better for me to have been assertive all along instead of suppressing my resentment over a period of weeks and then having it come out with more force than necessary.
And above all, the importance of letting go! If I tried to be assertive over every single perceived infraction by others, I would make life unbearable for myself and others!

Such a small incident and still so many learnings!

Mea Culpa

When I checked my work email this morning, I saw an email from a colleague who is kind of in a supervisory role asking me for a status on something she thought she had asked me to do. I was on the verge of replying to her email denying any knowledge about what she was asking me about when wiser counsels prevailed and I decided to go thorough all my emails from her for the past week to see if I had missed something. Sure enough there was an email from her on Thursday asking me to do something and to my horror I now remembered reading it then.
Only one workday had passed and I could have easily replied to her email saying I planned to do it today without any explanation. I could have said I was swamped on Friday(which was true) and that I would do it today. But the truth is that I forgot and the truth is that no matter how busy I was on Friday, this was important, and I could have found a way to squeeze it in.
With all the emails flying around and things piling on my plate, it was easy for something to fall through the cracks. Moreover I do not have a relationship of trust with this person and I did not trust her to not make a big deal of this behind my back.
But somehow other than a simple acknowledgement of the fact that I forgot and that I would do it today, nothing else felt right. This is not about one of those eightfold ‘right’ something or the other that almost drove me away from Buddhism. I guess it is a simple question of integrity and the truth that I would not feel good if I covered this up.
The calculating part of me opined that maybe by speaking the truth here, I could build up some credibility, so that when I really needed to fudge the truth, I would be readily believed. I had to smile at this cunning and say to myself, “No. No agendas here. Just one simple action. That’s all”. So, I wrote a simple email saying “I missed this. Will get to it today and let you know”.
I remember going to Ramana Ashram in India and asking one of the caretakers for advice on how best to practice self-enquiry and his advice was “First, simplify your life”. Romantic notions of changing careers and taking up the simple life on a boatman ferrying people across the river floated before my eyes. But the physical work involved there seemed daunting. The idea of being a toll collector in a highway booth also seemed appealing. But, in the absence of any such dramatic changes of vocation, I can try to simplify the way I go about my current job.

Let the games begin

After more than 20 years in the corporate world, I am still amazed at the amount of territorialism clearly in evidence. A meeting is akin to a bunch of dogs or monkeys grappling for position. With animals it is clear what they are about, but with us ‘evolved’ humans, it is cloaked in all kinds of disguises which makes it all the more pernicious. Most of the time, I am blissfully unaware of this behavior and every now and then a friend will pull me aside and inform me that when so-and-so asked me a question in the meeting, he/she was not asking for information as I had naively assumed, but was subtly asserting their right to ask me questions. ‘Good god – don’t people have anything better to do?’ is my brilliant rejoinder to this. At other times, someone will say something humorous about me in a meeting and later on a friend will ask me why I did not come up with a rebuttal, and enlighten me that what I had taken as standard meeting humor was in fact a put-down and I should not let people take liberties with me like that.

At times, I do see the hidden jockeying for position and dominance clearly and that is even more disturbing because by that I can only infer that these tendencies still exist in me, for I would not be able to spot it in someone else if it was not present in me. When I was younger, I would get dismayed by such behavior and want to distance myself from it. It is romantic to think of oneself as the one sensitive, suffering soul in the midst of all the ugly chaos that passes for modern society. When I was young and disillusioned by the seemingly unredeemable nature of humans and the society we create, I hugged a line from a Hindi Film song close to my heart – ‘Tumhaari hain tum hi sambhalo yeh duniya’ – which can be loosely translated as ‘I relinquish the struggle to conquer this world. You are welcome to it. It is your problem to take care of’.

Once in a while, I even ‘participated’ in these games just to assure myself that my refusal to be involved was a result of choice and not inability to play the game or even worse, cowardice in disguise. At these times however, thanks to the practice of mindfulness which I don’t seem to be able to turn off completely, I notice that I feel pretty nauseated and a strong sense of revulsion. There is a lot of suffering involved and I doubt anyone really feels good playing these games. It can’t be pleasant having to treat all these interactions as a fight for survival. It can’t be pleasant having to expend so much energy in protecting one’s image. I think this is the fundamental evolutionary mistake –humans protecting their image in the manner that they would protect their physical being.

So as I have grown older and hopefully more self aware, what have I learnt? It is to see the motivation behind people’s behavior and then instead of rushing to judgement, seeing the motivation behind the motivation. When I was new to the spiritual path, I did not understand the tremendous depth of the Dalai Lama’s most common utterance – ‘Every being wants to be happy’. It seemed very simplistic and trivial. Now, I am trying to see that even in people who are butting heads with me, putting me down, trying to sideline me or playing any of the common corporate games that is played under the banner of ‘teamwork’, there is an underlying desire for happiness The guy who is trying to make his work seem more important than mine, is he happy when he is trying to do that? I doubt it. Does he want to be happy? I see him(or her) insecure about paying the mortgage on the house if he does not assert his prominence and gets laid-off. I see someone as worrying about how they will send their children to school if they are not doing everything they can to earn the maximum they can by projecting themselves as important enough to earn a bonus. Some others, I see as afraid that they will slacken and lose their motivation to succeed if they are not always climbing and scrapping. And I am acutely aware of the dangers of distancing myself from them and carrying an image of someone who does not play these games and is in a way ‘above’ these games. I have seen the danger of carrying any identity whatsoever – it is nothing but the ego’s attempt at separation and control. Clearly, I don’t need a self-image as a noble person who does not play corporate games of one-upmanship. I can just politely refrain from participating in these mind-games because of the suffering it causes me as well as others. That, I think is the middle-way – to not participate in these games but at the same time, not distance myself from everyone and carry the identity of someone who is above these games.
Let the games end!