Back to basics

The other day at a work related party, a colleague came and advised, “Do me a favor. Watch your back.” I had a clue as to what he was talking about. I know one of my colleagues has it in for me and that is putting it rather mildly. I confirmed my suspicion as to who my colleague was referring to but as tempted as I was to inquire more about why he was making that particular statement, I knew it was a slippery slope and could lead to horse-trading and exchanging of favors and other such political complications. And I have no stomach for that.

“Look all I am trying to do is what is good for the project,” I said wearily.
My colleague who until recently was one of those who was gunning me down himself, said “Yeah you just want the job done, right?”
I nodded sadly and added , “Why can’t he just leave me alone?” referring to my antagonistic colleague.
“I got your back buddy,” assured my colleague at the party and I nodded gratefully.

And I thought about this later. Was I wise not to prod my colleague more about what he was talking about or was it just cowardly evasion? I was grateful when he said he would watch my back but I am not willing to do that myself. Am I too attached to being ‘noble’ or acting ‘noble’?

Truth is that confronting this antagonistic colleague does terrify me a little. For this is an adversary unlike any I have faced in the past in terms of unscrupulousness and persistence in back-stabbing. I do not know how to counter him without dragged down to his level of accusation and counter-accusation. I am afraid as to what he will stoop to if I point out his destructive behavior openly. There is a saying in India which goes something like “Never pick a fight with a thug because for a thug, fighting is a full time job.” It is the prospect of being on my guard 24*7 against this guy that terrifies me. I have been in situations like that and I know what it is like, endless worrying about what he may or may not do. Sleepless nights. Higher stress during the day. A feeling I have lost my soul. That is what I am terrified of.

Everything in me, is telling me to just keep playing it straight and trust that my manager and others will know enough to discount the back-biting.
And yet, there is another aspect to this dilemma. “Love thy enemies? How?” Treat obstacles as the dragon guarding the treasure. Nice idea. How the fuck do I translate it into reality here? Can I just be my open and trusting self and let this guy exploit that? Do I turn the other cheek when he twists things that I say, to my disadvantage? Do I ignore all the lies and back-biting he habitually indulges in?
‘.. being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,’ says Kipling in his beautiful poem ‘If’ which I have hanging on my cubicle wall. The first I can do. The second is a bit more difficult because I have such an aversion to this guy and everything he stands for. And there lies my own challenge.

I have to get past my own internal reaction to this guy. As evil as I am making out this guy to be, hating him is not the answer. I am not up to the challenge of loving those who hate me, but I should be able to get past my own hatred and strong aversion. Here is where Buddhism 101 can help. If I don’t have an independently existing self, then neither does he. So what is there for me to hate? Sadness that complex conditions can produce a personality like this, yes. But hatred? No need of that. And it is definitely not satisfying for me to interact with someone – anyone with this shield of opinions around me and having it color all my perceptions. But how do I prevent myself from being an open naïve fool? That is the challenge? Can I be totally present in my interactions with him? Present so that I am aware of my reactions to his aggressive and even offensive body language and tone of voice? Present so that I have equanimity with my reactions to him and so that I don’t project them out. Present so that I allow for him to be something other than what I see him as? Present so that I am aware of his possible hidden agendas at the same time. Present so that I stay focused on the good of the project and keep offering my unconditional co-operation to that goal. Present so that I don’t get ambushed by need for recognition and external validation and keep doing my job to the best of my abilities. Present so that I can counter his falsehoods calmly and assertively.

My enemy is my zen master creeping up behind me with a stick at the slightest sign of drowsiness or muddled thinking. That is going to be my attitude for the next month, so help me God.