Focusing Away from myself

I am terrified of speaking in public. That includes small groups as well as large groups. That includes speaking in front of strangers as well as speaking in front of people I know. Today, I was at an All Day meeting at work(yuck) and towards the end, I was unexpectedly asked to make a presentation with about ten minutes notice. I am starting a new assignment and everyone who is important to the assignment was in the audience. In the ten minutes I had, my mind was going berserk – oh my god these are all my peers and managers – some of them are actually competent – some of them are very tough and eager to pounce on me - I am starting a new assignment and if I muck up this presentation, I would have started with a very bad impression. I could even be taken off the project if I made an ass of myself. I would be humiliated if that happened. I might even lose my job.

I was in touch with the physical sensations caused by the fear and anxiety and tried my level best to just them let them be and not try to suppress them. It is my experience that suppressing these sensations takes away the energy I need to do a good job as well as cause me to appear tense. There have been occasions though when my attempt to open up to these uncomfortable feelings has caused them to spiral out of control causing me to freeze up and be totally incoherent. Talk about embarrassment! If there is one thing I have learnt over and over while bumbling along this spiritual path, it is that while it is great to learn, the moment I try to make a formula out of that learning, I have set myself up for a fall :)

So coming back to the present, I looked at all the terrifying people in the room. And the thought arose – “I am going to be taking their time. Why don’t I focus on making good use of their time rather than focusing on whether I do a good job of presenting or not”.
And I look again at all the people and especially the tough taskmasters who would tear me apart if I said something indefensible. And the thought arises “All of them are going to die someday. And so am I. Let me make good use of their time and serve their interests”. For some strange reason, that thought seemed to help calm me down and take the focus away from my performance anxiety. I still haven’t understood this completely, but have learnt to instinctively look upon thoughts of worthlessness or severe self-doubt as the workings of the ego.

Anyway, when it was my turn to speak, I forgot about my fears and anxieties and immersed myself completely in the topic I was presenting. I was not invested in being right or having people agree with me, so I welcomed dissenting opinions. At the end, I actually received compliments on a good presentation and the competence I displayed on the subject matter. And now no one is going to believe me if I tell them I am terrified of speaking in public :)